Tell me what I want, what I really, really want!

What do I really want to do with the rest of my life? I had a pretty exciting one so far and it's time to settle down. Maybe. My kids have all grown and left the nest. And what's left behind? A ton of memories, photos, nick knacks with sentimental value and a million songs, maps and skewed distorted bits of this and that stored in my brain. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Well if I had lottery winnings, there wouldn't even be a second thought really. I'd be on the next boat to Italy. And if by chance I didn't find the right place there, Southern France. I've always liked old architecture. Building that are more then 300 years old shall I say. Some real history and ghosts to them. And I'd want some acreage. 200 plus if I can. I have always needed lots of wide open space. But if I didn't win the lottery, I think I'd eventually go back to Wyoming. I left my heart there, my home and possible most of my bunniness or wildness shall I say.

The first time I saw Wyoming when I was only 10 years old, I knew within minutes of stepping foot on the land that someday, I would live there. My friend at the time Julie Damiani who was there with me agreed and we made a pact to move there at 18 and be room mates. Unfortunately, Julie and I were split apart by unfortunate circumstances and she was moved to Texas. Ironically, when I changed schools, I became friends with another Jackie who lived close by and her Mother moved to a tiny town called Wright, Wy. Jackie went first and I followed a few months later driving her cherry red 76 Camaro that we named "the Lobster". It was an interesting trip for a single 18 year old in the Summer of 84. I thought I was alone, really I did. But, little did I know that I had been harboring a couple hundred tiny ants who suddenly decided to come out of the gear shift all at the same time. They just oozed up and just about had the interior and floorboard covered before I could even pull over in the middle of no-where Nebraska. Another traveler ( a young man ) had been following me all the way from KC and he pulled behind to see if I was okay as I jumped out of the car window and wiping the ants off of my tube top and jean shorts. I'm sure it was quite a site to see. Some crazy barefoot, half naked chick jumping around on the side of the highway with ants all over her and the "Lobster"! After he got finished laughing at me, I explained that the car had been sitting in a field for about 3 months and now I was responsible for taking illegal aliens across 3 boarders and just might need a lawyer. Can he help me get rid of the evidence? Well, we tried to scoop and sweep them up as well as possible and then we started looking for any gas station or car wash that would possibly have a vacuum cleaner. I don't think I ever found one. Keep in mind, this was 1984. One other odd thing happened to me on the way out there. While driving over 80 mph and my left foot hanging out the window, a big 'ol fat bumble bee decided to commit suicide ass end first into my chest. Now if that doesn't make you hit the brakes fast, I don't know what will? I pulled over and plucked the still living bee from my chest and the stinger remained. So I yelled at the bee for a second before I threw it out the window and then proceeded to yank the stinger out. Boy did that swell up big and red fast! Not something that I ever want to do again and I always avoided as much as possible on motorcycles.

I've lived in North Eastern Wyoming three times between 1984 and 1999. Each time I left unwillingly and the last time I left everything behind thinking I would be back in a month. My landlady threw out everything in my apartment the day after I left and there was nothing I could do about it being 1000 miles away in Vegas. Se la vie I suppose. That was not the 1st nor was it the last time I had to start over from scratch. It's a darn good thing I'm not a materialistic girl but, how many microwaves have I bought in my life and I hardly even use the dang things!

I seem to have gotten off track a bit. What made me fall in love with Wyoming? That's kind of like asking me why do I love Joni Mitchell. They are both parts of me. Being an adopted child and especially never fitting into my family made me feel very displaced my entire life. Always trying to find "Home" is the only way I can describe it and Wyoming is the only place I have truly found it. The people, wide open spaces, wildlife ~ especially the buffalo and antelope, the small town enviornments and general freedom that the whole state gave me puts me in the "Home" state of mind. The only other times that I have ever felt that was when I was in love.

What I want, what I really, really want... is to make a living photographing nature and wildlife in the state I love. Take me home country road or I-90.

30 in 30

So I made it out of the house for the first time on Monday. Six days post op and it wasn't easy I really had to force myself. Actually my camera kinda forced me. I was home alone, or almost, Kjera came home from school and went straight to bed and everyone else bugged out. Most of my recovery time has been spent in the bedroom not doing much except moaning, groaning and trying very hard to get comfortable. Today, I went out and shot about 500 pics at Lake Jacomo. It's a nice place very close by our house. The weather was great and the wildlife was so abundant it was insane! So if you want to see the best of my shots, check them out on my website under Jacomo www.RaineyDazePhotography.com I also was able to get some good walking exercise in so that felt good but, I did wear myself out.
Well here is the weight tally today. Since July 20th, I have lost 30 pounds. Not bad at all for 30 days if I do say so myself :o) I haven't been hungry although when I came home today, the kids were making chocolate chip cookies and ooooohhh they did smell good! And it was so nice of them to just leave the cookies out on the pan for me to clean up and put away. Thanks guys! I know they weren't thinking. What do I expect? They are teenagers after all. I was not tempted to eat even a morsel. I did drink too much water too fast today and I was surprised that it didn't come back up on me. Sip, sip, sip and small portions is the key.

RE: Todd Akins

Rep. Todd Akin, the newly-christened GOP Senate nominee in Missouri, said in an interview airing Sunday that “legitimate rape” rarely causes pregnancy.
Explaining his no-exceptions policy on abortions, Akin was asked why he opposes abortion even when the pregnancy is the result of rape.
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in a clip posted to YouTube by the Democratic super PAC American Bridge. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Akin added: “But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”
Todd Akins also is trying to abolish the reduced and free lunch program for Missouri.

This is my thoughts and response as a responsible citizen of Missouri, an educated woman, a woman who has been raped, an ex US Government employee, a Mother of 3 children who went to public schools in Missouri and lastly a Catholic.

You Sir, are a pompous ass! I am ashamed that you are serving this country in any way and I ask that you step down immediately! Any child that has taken a health class knows that a woman's body cannot tell if a sperm cell is there from natural mating or from rape. The body does not have "Ways to try and shut the whole thing down." On the other hand, the mind has ways of shutting down and blocking the incident. Weather it be in part or whole. But, what it really does is masks it's self and hides until it is ready to come back up. That person may take on a whole new personality for that rape incident. I'm not here to teach you psychology Mr Akin. I am here to make a stand. For those women who have not heard about you, for those people who do not speak out, for those that can't speak out. Let me be the voice. Ignorance of the law is not excepted so why should we accept a politician that is ignorant of what comes out of his mouth. Know what you speak of Mr Akin!

And if you are going to step into Roe vs Wade. Well, I have a lot to say about that too. As a 2nd grader at St Regis Catholic School in Kansas City during that time, we were all loaded up into a bus and taken to a Planned Parenthood Building where we were handed picket signs with dead babies photos on them. Mine had tiny feet between two adult sized fingers. The feet were beet red and developed. You could even see the ridges of the foot prints. 40 years later that is still embedded in my head. I am anti-abortion and I always will be unless there is a very good reason for the abortion like rape. And I think that should be taken care of as soon as possible and the woman should not pay for the rape kit or the abortion. It was not her fault in any way. Adoption... well yes it may be an option for some people but, those people I guarantee are going to need intensive therapy for a long time if they go through an entire pregnancy and birth with a child that they did not want. I was an adopted child. So I know that side of it too.

Now let's take a look at what you want to do with our reduced and free lunch program. Hmm, you want to get rid of it. 646,000 Missouri students — and almost 34 million children across the United States — rely on free or reduced-price meals. So, you want to take the food out of the mouths of children? 34 million children? And what do you think that will get you? A new yacht for you and your buddies every year to run around on taxpayer's dollars? What? You tell me! What can this possibly accomplish? Why don't you just do what they did to the orphans back in the 1920's? Put arsenic in the free milk and kill the kids off. Put them all in a mass grave and just be done with them! There ya go, I fixed it for you. I'm sure you have some really nice thoughts about gays and AIDS too. Maybe this would work out that problem for you also.

My vote is for Claire McCaskill as it always has been. I can only hope and pray that she wins and then decides to take on the Presidency in 2016!

Post Surgery Day 3

Three days post surgery and I am feeling better tonight. I can't move around much yet. If you've ever had broken ribs that would be a good way to describe the feeling. I can't take in deep breaths, get very comfortable in bed and when I walk around the house, I am holding onto my right side. If anyone took a photo of my right now, I think it would resemble Quasimodo aka the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Reality, what a concept. Needless to say, I haven't been able to eat or drink much at all. Actually, I haven't even been able to take my normal medications which isn't good but, there are just too many! Before I left the hospital, I weighed myself and was a little ticked off to see that I had gained 3 pounds while I was there. How was that possible? Well, I was being pumped full of fluids through my IV and you also get swelling anytime you have someone working inside of you. Since I have left the hospital, I have lost 7 pounds. So, back to my original numbers from July 20th, I've lost 25 pounds. It's a good start. Hopefully by Monday I'll be able to leave the house again and be back on track. By the way, what the heck happened to Thursday???

Lap Band Surgery

Tomorrow I am having Lap Band surgery. Most people wouldn't want to talk about this but I think it's something that should be discussed. So I've decided to use this as my soap box to stand on. I'm going to try and keep up with this page as often as possible and let you know how my daily path is going with this. Please ask question or leave me messages!! I can use all the feedback that I can get. I have known a few people who have had weight loss surgery. 2 did not do well on it 3 have kept their weight off for 2-8 years so far. I know that it is a tool to use and only a tool. It is not the answer to a miracle of dropping weight and looking great and being healthy. I am going to work hard, exercise and think about myself for a change. My decision to do this is based only on health reasons. By losing weight, I will be able to abolish my diabetes, gain control over my genetic cholesterol numbers, and  be able to eventually take a lot less medications then I am currently on.
I'm not going to put my actual weight on here because... well.... I'm a chick and I don't have to damn it! And it's my blog and I get to make the rules right? Right! But what I will do is put my weight loss on here. It actually started on July 20th, 2012. The doctor started me on a 10 day liquid diet before surgery and then the surgery date was changed. So, since July 20th, I have lost 19 pounds. Not a bad start at all considering all I did was change my diet. And I didn't really stick to the diet the whole time. My main food was yogurt. Yogurt, Yogurt, Yogurt!!! The sound of that word is disgusting really. Yo-Gurt! I actually like yogurt but, not all the time! I did discover Greek Yogurt. Oh what a difference that is. When you are on a diet, it actually tastes like cheese cake. Oikos brand strawberry, cherry and peach in particular. But, when you are buying the small packages, they are about $1.25 each so I bought a large one, 32 oz. plain . No fruit on the big ones yet and to me, it tasted like crap. Very sour and just not right. I added about 2 teaspoons of granulated zero calorie sweetener and a can of mandarin oranges and then blended them with a mixer until the oranges were in tiny, tiny pieces. Then it tasted fine. I also ate bing cherries since they are in season and one of my favorite fruits. Low Cal jell-o has become one of my new friends. I had no clue it was basically the same as regular. Now the next 6 weeks I will be eating anything that can fit through a straw which is approximately the radius of the band. Well that sounds like lots of fun! NOT!!!! But, it will ensure that my stomach will stay the size of an egg. Yes, the size of a chicken egg. I will also be drinking protein shakes like my boyfriend does so that I get enough protein in my diet and taking a multi-vitamin for the rest of my life. If I had gastric bypass surgery, I would be taking a multitude of vitamins so that is a plus that it's just 1 pill and at Costo I got a bottle of 500 for about $10.00 so you can't beat that.
I do want to add here that I was going to have the gastric bypass surgery 2 years ago and I had to back out just days before surgery. I had been on a 5 year waiting list for it because at the time, my insurance company only worked with a few places in Missouri. I had to travel over 100 miles to Columbia, Mo several times to see the Dr there and to go to classes etc. During that time, no one mentioned that I would not be able to take pain meds such as percocet or vicodin ever again after surgery until about 3 days before surgery. I had recently had a total knee replacement and was still in severe pain. There was no way I could go without the pain meds so I had to let the surgery go. I was crushed to say the least. After waiting 5 years and also doing the research and waiting for my insurance to approve me (another 2 years) oh what a waste of time! So that was August 2010. Earlier this year, I found out that I was told a lie. After weight loss surgery, you CAN take pain meds. After the initial being thoroughly pissed offness wore off, I talked to my Dr and she got me right back on track with a new surgeon. The Institute for Advanced Bariatric Surgery was happy to have me as a patient. After going to their very informative seminar and then spending about an hour with the surgeon, he told me I was a very good candidate for the lap band which is much less evasive of a surgery. Their office took care of the insurance approval for me and then I had to meet up with a therapist for 1 session, a dietitian for a half hour and had a stress test to check on my heart. That's it, all clear for surgery. Less then 12 hours from now it will be done.

Masacre in the livingroom

2 days ago I walked into the livingroom and found a masacre in the fishtank. My turtle (Spike Lee) had murdered one of my fantail fish. Took her head off and left pieces of her all over the tank! I don't know what had gotten into him. Did she give him a dirty look? Were they fighting over tank space? I have no idea. I grounded Spike for the day, cleaned out the murder scene and bought him a dozen more large minnows to keep his tummy full. When I repremanded him, I explained very carefully that we do not eat our friends even when we are upset with them or if we are hungry. And I also told him that if I catch him doing this to another one of our pets, he will have to move out to the pond at the farm. He agreed and Rick was a witness.
3 minnows met their maker that day. They also met Spike's tummy. So Spike was a happy, fat, alligator snapping turtle. He was taken out of the tank as usual around 11pm and put in his turtle house to spend the night with Scratchy (a female box turtle) who he has been living with for 6 years. When Rick got up this morning, Spike was standing on top of Scratchy and trying to escape the house to run a muck. So, Rick quickly relieved Scratchy of her room mate and put Spike in the fishtank where he proceeded to eat a few more minnows today.
And then later in the afternoon....it happened. I actually witnessed an atempted murder! Spike snuck up behind another fantail goldfish and snapped onto her tail. He shook her from side to side violently! I screamed at him to let go but, he didn't listen to me at all. The other fishes in the tank cried out "Stop Spike! Let Go!!!" But he didn't care. He bit higher until he touched her butt. By then I was able to rip his jaws away from her and pull him out of the water. That poor little fish was devostated! She couldn't even swim straight for about an hour and she may need therapy.

I decided to stick to my guns. Spike will be going to the pond in the morning. I hate to do it really. I've had him since he was the size of a quarter and he just turned 7 years old. He's never gone beyond the back yard but, he can't be trrusted anymore and it's possible that he could bite someone now. He's a big boy, about 6 pounds. I can do no more. =:o(

Not Every Woman Is Meant to Be a Mother

This may be a touchy subject but I think it's something that needs to be said. Some women are not meant to be Mothers. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I'm simply saying that it is a choice that we are given and one that cannot be taken lightly at all. Being a Mom is something that you will be for the rest of your life. A child is not an animal that you are going to get bored with and then send off to the pound or put on Craig's List. And don't expect to just drop that kid off with your parents when ever you feel like it to go off for a weekend or 16 years either. That's just not how God meant for you to take care of this little miracle.
I do want to commend those women who chose not to have children. Those wonderful women who realized that raising a family does not make them a whole woman just like marrying a man does not make you a better woman. BRAVO!!!!
It does scare me more then a bit to hear a woman say she wants to wait until she is in her late 30's or 40's to have her first baby. This is not healthy for her or the baby and my goodness, they just have no clue how much energy it takes to raise a child. There is a reason why our bodies are ripe in our 20's so that we can run after those kids instead of putting a leash on them or forcing them to be babyset by a TV all day and have their sponge like brains turn to mush.
Am I a good Mom? Was I a good Mom when my kids were little? Well, I know I made some mistakes, probably a lot of them but, I learned and I also learned from other parents. I also had to work but, I made time for my kids and I was there for them. I will admit my biggest mistake was in choosing their Fathers. And I have appologized profusly for that. I will also admit that I did one thing very right, Love. I freely give my children my love and support.
As an adopted child, I have always wondered who my parents are. I have very little to go on and I'm not going to use this forum to elaberate on that subject but I will say that I respect my Birth Mom for bing able to let go. I know it was not her decision but, she was able to let go and I can respect her for that. I could not let go. I will also add if she is looking for me, I've been looking for her since 1984.
I could have been put in the same position as my Birth Mom. I was very young when I was pregnant with Geoff. My reason for keeping my son was at the time based partly in the fact that I could not put a child up for adoption after being an adopted child. Maybe that was not a great idea, but, Geoff was the 1st of my greatest creations and I never for a second regreted having him or being his Mom even at 17.
Getting back to subject. I'll give you a great example, the woman who adopted me. She should never have been a Mother. Red Flag #1 She adopted my Brother & I because she didn't want to be bothered with pregnancies. I personally enjoyed my pregnancies, everyone of them including my 2 miscarriages. The joy of knowing you have a miracle growing inside of you is like no other.  Red Flag #2 She physically abused us on a daily basis. This made me do exact opposite with my kids.I smothered them with love instead of hate.  Red Flag #3 She had me working by the time I was about 5 years old. I started out with modeling in 71 and then singing in 72. I kept modeling until I was about 5 months pregnant with Geoff. The deal was if I was living under her roof, I had to be making money. She did not do this to my Brother though. And no, I did not see much of that money until I was about 14 years old and working full time jobs. Of course I did not do this to my kids. Amy did try out for 1 modeling agency on her own accord and I supported her through the auditions. I'd love to see my Grand Daughter get into modeling now because I know she is an "It Girl" not because I'm her Grandma but, because I happen to have a good eye. And if you are going to be a female model, you have to start early. Boy, I'm getting off subject again.
It's 1am. I'll finish this later, please feel free to make comments. Good Night.