Lennon

December 8th 1980 was a day that will stick in my mind until....well until my mind is long gone. I actually didn't find out about Lennon's murder until the next morning at school in the hall because my Dad didn't have the guts to break it to me. I have been a HUGE fan of the Beatles and John Lennon probably since before I was born because I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't know about their existence. I was born in the middle of the 60's and adopted into a family of squares BUT, I was the product of a one night stand with a guitar player. So, God and a hand full of people only knows who I really am. Any who..... Back to John Lennon. The morning of December 9th I went to school and it seemed like there was a lot of whispering around me. Finally a guy that I really didn't like very much, Jimmy Vaught, came up and blurted it out "John Lennon was shot dead last night." I fell to the floor and the next thing I knew I was in the nurses office and she was calling my house asking my mother to come pick me up. I was out of school for a couple of days because I was absolutely devastated and heart broken. I remember watching the people on TV in front of the Dakota Apartments in New York singing and crying. "All we are saying is give peace a chance!" I prayed for John,Yoko, Sean and Julian. I cried and sang along with the people on Strawberry Hill and at the Dakota and watched every bit of news that I could find about the piece of crap that killed Lennon aka Chapman. And I just couldn't wrap my 14 year old mind around it. And after 32 years, I still don't understand it. Thank you Yoko, Julian and Sean for keeping John's wishes and music alive. And Chapman, you could never kill John's spirit and love!

Brain Tumors Suck!!!

For those of you that don't know me well, you may not know that I have been living with brain tumors for more then half of my life now. I was diagnosed in 1990 but, they actually started affecting me during the pregnancy of my daughter who was born in 1986. My tumors are attached to my optical nerves and they effect me in several different ways. First of all I do have to say that I am very blessed to still be alive. This is a fatal disease that I have and as far as my last neurologist knew, I have been living with it longer then anyone else has. I also should have been blind more then 2 decades ago. Most people that have this do lose their eye sight and I am truly lucky that I have not yet. My eyes are effected though. I get blind spots and my eye sight changes often. My headaches are daily and the bad ones are hitting me about every other day now. And when I say "Bad Headache" what I really mean is what most people have never experienced in their life. My little ones feel like an ice pick sticking in my eye. The big ones is when it would feel better if someone would place me into a guillotine and let the blade come down swiftly. I can't get out of bed, I can't handle light or noise and I can't even raise or lower my head. The emergency medication I am on helps sometimes but, my insurance only pays for 10 pills a month.
Something else my tumors effect is my weight. It keeps me from losing weight. Well, I did a lot of research and found out that with gastric bypass surgery it would be possible to lose weight but, there wasn't any studies on anyone with my disease having lap band surgery yet. Lap Band is a much less evasive surgery and it is reversible. So... I had my surgery in August and since then I have been pretty much starving myself. I consume about 6 to 12 ounces of food a day and zero calorie drinks (mainly water). And where has it gotten me? I have only lost 45 pounds! My doctor is bitching at me thinking that I am cheating on my diet. I went to my neurologist today and he said I shouldn't have had the surgery at all and might as well get it reversed. Just lovely!
And the news keeps getting worse. The Dr upped all the dosages on my meds today and added another pain med. He is also highly suggesting that I get botox shots in my head to slow down the possibly decrease the size of the tumors and reduce the amount of headaches. Oh that sounds like fun. Let's shoot poison in my head and see if I go blind or what else might happen!! Ya I don't think so. Not as long as I'm not in 4th stage. I'm not afraid to die but, I do not want to be blind only for art reasons. Yes, I am serious about that.
Enough whining for tonight.

The Microwave Generation

The Microwave Generation is what I call anyone born after 1980. They are the people that where born into the life of convenience  and speed. They expect everything to be finished quickly. If their food does not come to them in 5 minutes, they panic and sweat. When things feel wrong to them, they go to the Doctor and get a pill prescibed to them. When they want to stay up late, they drink an energy drink or do drugs. They tend to not have conversations with people or real relationships. They have replaced it with texting and social networking,  things that did not exist until the past few years. I find myself having to go to the Urban Dictionary often to look up the new words and acronyms that this generation makes up on a daily basis. This month I had to look up SMH and SWAG.

SMH Internet speak for "Straddling My Horseradish"
"My friend asked me to help him move but I told him I was too busy smh to assist."
I think this may be wrong so let's try again.
 

SMH stands for "Shaking My Head" usually an acronym when you see the most ignorant, dumbest, or disapointing shit you've ever seen, you can say it rather than doing the the action

"you see that 16 year old over there?"
"yeah"
"that baby tee's way roo small for her, and she's preggo's"
"what's that in her mouth?"
"omg that's a blunt"
"seriously SMH"

A bit more reasonable to me. Now lets try SWAG.

 

The most used word in the whole fucking universe. Douche bags use it, your kids use it, your mail man uses it, and your fucking dog uses it. If you got swag, you generally wear those shitty hats side way, and your ass hanging out like a fucking goof cause your pants are half way down your white ass legs. To break down the word, it means (Secretly We Are Gay). It is also a word that means to represent yourself/ the way you represent yourself, baggy clothes, shitty hats, small penis and basically a way to say your afraid to come out of the closet.

Assface Magee: I got so much swag
Darrel: You got so much dick in your ass
Assface Magee: Fuck you, SWAG

 

All righty then. I don't think I will ever be using that word in my lifetime. So what happened to class, respect and the proper use of the English language? Why do they have to chop the words up like they do? Does it really save so much time to take vowels out of words when your brain has to figure out what the heck the word is without the vowel? And one of my biggest pet peeves, "alot", it 2 words people, A LOT, now is that so hard?

 

When computers became mainstream in the early 90's I forced myself to learn them for work purposes but, I still prefer to write long hand and keep my own files etc. Being a photographer, it took me a long time to go digital but once I did, oh yeah! That is the one thing that I can't go back on now. The days of chemicals and darkrooms are gone for me.

 

Microwave Generation... They don't know what hard work is. Most of their jobs are done with their fingertips and they don't know what overtime is. I can't remember how many 12 hour triple shifts I did at one particular job. That would be 36 hours straight!!! To support my family I did what I had to do and I did it with a smile on my face and I learned how to drink a lot of cappuccinos! No 5 hour energy drinks back then either.

 

Enough for now, I'm sure I will elaborate more on this later. Please feel free to add your comments  =:o)

Progress?

It's been 6 weeks since my lapband surgery and 3 days since my gallbladder surgery. I now have 8 holes in my stomache region and I'm not very happy about that. The pain isn't excruciating but, it is definately pain. I've been in bed most of the time and I'd be there now except for the fact that I'm awake and Rick isn't. Much pf the last 6 weeks has been recovery time. I have gotten out a little bit to do phtoto shoots and errands but, for every day that I go out, I end up in bed a day or 2 so I have really have to pick and choose what I am doing. My energy level has been very low and then my gallbladder started acting up again so I had to have it removed. Hopefully by doing that, the problem has been resolved.
I have decided to move on with my photography work and get a studio as soon as possible. I have friends and a relator looking for a place for me as I'm also searching online. I've found a couple of places but, nothing for sure yet. I want to be able to get in somewhere within the next few weeks. I'd like to get something downtown KC or in the West Bottoms if possible. The older the building the better for me. Somehow it just brings more character when it's an old building and then that brings out more creativity with me.

So, ya this is all pretty boring I know which is why I havn't been writing in my blog lately. The one photo shoot that I did lately that was interesting was on 9-11-12 when I was at the Liberty Memorial in KC and I happened to run into a bunch of Tibetian Monks. Yes, that is correct, straight from Tibet. They were all very nice, spoke English very well and were also funny. I got them to pose for me and strangly most of them wanted to sit up on the wall that had a 50 foot drop off. But, like me I am sure they are not afraid to die so why not jump right up there? In this picture, the monk was pretending to push over the huge urn. So today's story is teaching us that Monks can be fun too! :o)

Rainey Daze & Missing Music

We have been going through a terrible drought here in the middle of the US for the whole Summer. Actually it was an unusually warm Winter that started it with hardly any snow or rain too. Today we finally got some rain. And where did it come from? A hurricane of course. We are about 750 miles off shore and yet the only rain we can get is from a freaking hurricane! Our farm is so dried of and cracked the only thing growing out there is weeds and the pond is down 8 feet from Spring! So thank you Hurricane Issac for coming our way and spreading your precious moisture upon our ground! I imagine the horses were rolling in delight and getting full of mud today. Can't wait to go out and see how much rain we actually got and hope that it made at least a little difference. Here it is almost 1am and I still have the front door open so that I can hear the drops as make their way down and splat on the front steps. It makes a wonderful background noise as I sit here and listen to my old 70's music tonight. James Taylor is crooning at the moment and I could listen to him almost forever. A 12 string acoustic, slow picked and sweetly sung song gets me every time. And I'm going to Carolina in my mind.

Music has been such a huge part of my entire life until the past two years and I'm not sure where it will be standing in the future. Being a singer-song writer and always in relationships with musicians it was my world. I always had a studio or music room that I could retreat to and create or practice. That is no more. My last boyfriend who was really more like my Husband since we did do the ceremony, just not the paperwork, walked away with everything in our music room. He took the stacks of amps, the monitors, the guitars, the mics and stands all the cords and what not. He even took my cordless mics & mixing board and that ticked me off. All that was left in the room was my mic stand in all it's glory with about 80 scarves hanging from it. My mic stand would put Steven Tyler's to shame! Along with him went our band. Not that they were anyone that I really wanted to stick with but, I didn't have a band anymore. After him, I quickly went through two drummers from my past that I shouldn't have but, it's what I know and I was grasping at straws pretty much. It's been almost 2 years now. I blew out my diaphragm singing most likely a Joni Mitchell song and I just got it fixed. Now where am I?

Rick and I have been living together for about a year and a half. He is the first non-musician that I can remember being with. He does know how to play the piano and trumpet actually but, he is not a musician. He has played one song for me on the piano, The Love Story Theme. I thought it was a very romantic gesture of him. He hasn't played anything since but, I'm hoping that will change when the piano is delivered next week for the girls. Our house is so non-musical right now that we don't even have a stereo system or radio in here. Now that is just sad! And when we are out driving together he likes to have the radio off. So unless I get in the car first and turn it on, there's no music in the car either. So maybe this explains why I go out to bars to listen to bands without Rick. He's just not interested and he doesn't drink either so he stays home.

I stopped writing songs about a year ago. Just didn't see the point anymore. They are still in my heart and in my head, I can feel them but, they are being keep inside for now. My life has changed. The seasons changed. My feelings have changed. Change is not always a good thing especially for a creature of habit such a rabbit. So I stay up late at night alone. Being alone is not a bad thing at night and I've being doing it since I was 12 so it is the norm for me. It's when my head is the most clear and my creative juices can flow. I write, edit photos and work on my voice if I don't get too loud. Although my favorite place to really belt out a song now is at the farm and the horses and frogs seem to like it. I'm not sure if I will ever be back on a stage singing again. I don't know if I really want to. That part of me may be dead and gone. I do miss it though so maybe it's just dormant.

Tell me what I want, what I really, really want!

What do I really want to do with the rest of my life? I had a pretty exciting one so far and it's time to settle down. Maybe. My kids have all grown and left the nest. And what's left behind? A ton of memories, photos, nick knacks with sentimental value and a million songs, maps and skewed distorted bits of this and that stored in my brain. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Well if I had lottery winnings, there wouldn't even be a second thought really. I'd be on the next boat to Italy. And if by chance I didn't find the right place there, Southern France. I've always liked old architecture. Building that are more then 300 years old shall I say. Some real history and ghosts to them. And I'd want some acreage. 200 plus if I can. I have always needed lots of wide open space. But if I didn't win the lottery, I think I'd eventually go back to Wyoming. I left my heart there, my home and possible most of my bunniness or wildness shall I say.

The first time I saw Wyoming when I was only 10 years old, I knew within minutes of stepping foot on the land that someday, I would live there. My friend at the time Julie Damiani who was there with me agreed and we made a pact to move there at 18 and be room mates. Unfortunately, Julie and I were split apart by unfortunate circumstances and she was moved to Texas. Ironically, when I changed schools, I became friends with another Jackie who lived close by and her Mother moved to a tiny town called Wright, Wy. Jackie went first and I followed a few months later driving her cherry red 76 Camaro that we named "the Lobster". It was an interesting trip for a single 18 year old in the Summer of 84. I thought I was alone, really I did. But, little did I know that I had been harboring a couple hundred tiny ants who suddenly decided to come out of the gear shift all at the same time. They just oozed up and just about had the interior and floorboard covered before I could even pull over in the middle of no-where Nebraska. Another traveler ( a young man ) had been following me all the way from KC and he pulled behind to see if I was okay as I jumped out of the car window and wiping the ants off of my tube top and jean shorts. I'm sure it was quite a site to see. Some crazy barefoot, half naked chick jumping around on the side of the highway with ants all over her and the "Lobster"! After he got finished laughing at me, I explained that the car had been sitting in a field for about 3 months and now I was responsible for taking illegal aliens across 3 boarders and just might need a lawyer. Can he help me get rid of the evidence? Well, we tried to scoop and sweep them up as well as possible and then we started looking for any gas station or car wash that would possibly have a vacuum cleaner. I don't think I ever found one. Keep in mind, this was 1984. One other odd thing happened to me on the way out there. While driving over 80 mph and my left foot hanging out the window, a big 'ol fat bumble bee decided to commit suicide ass end first into my chest. Now if that doesn't make you hit the brakes fast, I don't know what will? I pulled over and plucked the still living bee from my chest and the stinger remained. So I yelled at the bee for a second before I threw it out the window and then proceeded to yank the stinger out. Boy did that swell up big and red fast! Not something that I ever want to do again and I always avoided as much as possible on motorcycles.

I've lived in North Eastern Wyoming three times between 1984 and 1999. Each time I left unwillingly and the last time I left everything behind thinking I would be back in a month. My landlady threw out everything in my apartment the day after I left and there was nothing I could do about it being 1000 miles away in Vegas. Se la vie I suppose. That was not the 1st nor was it the last time I had to start over from scratch. It's a darn good thing I'm not a materialistic girl but, how many microwaves have I bought in my life and I hardly even use the dang things!

I seem to have gotten off track a bit. What made me fall in love with Wyoming? That's kind of like asking me why do I love Joni Mitchell. They are both parts of me. Being an adopted child and especially never fitting into my family made me feel very displaced my entire life. Always trying to find "Home" is the only way I can describe it and Wyoming is the only place I have truly found it. The people, wide open spaces, wildlife ~ especially the buffalo and antelope, the small town enviornments and general freedom that the whole state gave me puts me in the "Home" state of mind. The only other times that I have ever felt that was when I was in love.

What I want, what I really, really want... is to make a living photographing nature and wildlife in the state I love. Take me home country road or I-90.

30 in 30

So I made it out of the house for the first time on Monday. Six days post op and it wasn't easy I really had to force myself. Actually my camera kinda forced me. I was home alone, or almost, Kjera came home from school and went straight to bed and everyone else bugged out. Most of my recovery time has been spent in the bedroom not doing much except moaning, groaning and trying very hard to get comfortable. Today, I went out and shot about 500 pics at Lake Jacomo. It's a nice place very close by our house. The weather was great and the wildlife was so abundant it was insane! So if you want to see the best of my shots, check them out on my website under Jacomo www.RaineyDazePhotography.com I also was able to get some good walking exercise in so that felt good but, I did wear myself out.
Well here is the weight tally today. Since July 20th, I have lost 30 pounds. Not bad at all for 30 days if I do say so myself :o) I haven't been hungry although when I came home today, the kids were making chocolate chip cookies and ooooohhh they did smell good! And it was so nice of them to just leave the cookies out on the pan for me to clean up and put away. Thanks guys! I know they weren't thinking. What do I expect? They are teenagers after all. I was not tempted to eat even a morsel. I did drink too much water too fast today and I was surprised that it didn't come back up on me. Sip, sip, sip and small portions is the key.

RE: Todd Akins

Rep. Todd Akin, the newly-christened GOP Senate nominee in Missouri, said in an interview airing Sunday that “legitimate rape” rarely causes pregnancy.
Explaining his no-exceptions policy on abortions, Akin was asked why he opposes abortion even when the pregnancy is the result of rape.
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in a clip posted to YouTube by the Democratic super PAC American Bridge. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Akin added: “But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”
Todd Akins also is trying to abolish the reduced and free lunch program for Missouri.

This is my thoughts and response as a responsible citizen of Missouri, an educated woman, a woman who has been raped, an ex US Government employee, a Mother of 3 children who went to public schools in Missouri and lastly a Catholic.

You Sir, are a pompous ass! I am ashamed that you are serving this country in any way and I ask that you step down immediately! Any child that has taken a health class knows that a woman's body cannot tell if a sperm cell is there from natural mating or from rape. The body does not have "Ways to try and shut the whole thing down." On the other hand, the mind has ways of shutting down and blocking the incident. Weather it be in part or whole. But, what it really does is masks it's self and hides until it is ready to come back up. That person may take on a whole new personality for that rape incident. I'm not here to teach you psychology Mr Akin. I am here to make a stand. For those women who have not heard about you, for those people who do not speak out, for those that can't speak out. Let me be the voice. Ignorance of the law is not excepted so why should we accept a politician that is ignorant of what comes out of his mouth. Know what you speak of Mr Akin!

And if you are going to step into Roe vs Wade. Well, I have a lot to say about that too. As a 2nd grader at St Regis Catholic School in Kansas City during that time, we were all loaded up into a bus and taken to a Planned Parenthood Building where we were handed picket signs with dead babies photos on them. Mine had tiny feet between two adult sized fingers. The feet were beet red and developed. You could even see the ridges of the foot prints. 40 years later that is still embedded in my head. I am anti-abortion and I always will be unless there is a very good reason for the abortion like rape. And I think that should be taken care of as soon as possible and the woman should not pay for the rape kit or the abortion. It was not her fault in any way. Adoption... well yes it may be an option for some people but, those people I guarantee are going to need intensive therapy for a long time if they go through an entire pregnancy and birth with a child that they did not want. I was an adopted child. So I know that side of it too.

Now let's take a look at what you want to do with our reduced and free lunch program. Hmm, you want to get rid of it. 646,000 Missouri students — and almost 34 million children across the United States — rely on free or reduced-price meals. So, you want to take the food out of the mouths of children? 34 million children? And what do you think that will get you? A new yacht for you and your buddies every year to run around on taxpayer's dollars? What? You tell me! What can this possibly accomplish? Why don't you just do what they did to the orphans back in the 1920's? Put arsenic in the free milk and kill the kids off. Put them all in a mass grave and just be done with them! There ya go, I fixed it for you. I'm sure you have some really nice thoughts about gays and AIDS too. Maybe this would work out that problem for you also.

My vote is for Claire McCaskill as it always has been. I can only hope and pray that she wins and then decides to take on the Presidency in 2016!

Post Surgery Day 3

Three days post surgery and I am feeling better tonight. I can't move around much yet. If you've ever had broken ribs that would be a good way to describe the feeling. I can't take in deep breaths, get very comfortable in bed and when I walk around the house, I am holding onto my right side. If anyone took a photo of my right now, I think it would resemble Quasimodo aka the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Reality, what a concept. Needless to say, I haven't been able to eat or drink much at all. Actually, I haven't even been able to take my normal medications which isn't good but, there are just too many! Before I left the hospital, I weighed myself and was a little ticked off to see that I had gained 3 pounds while I was there. How was that possible? Well, I was being pumped full of fluids through my IV and you also get swelling anytime you have someone working inside of you. Since I have left the hospital, I have lost 7 pounds. So, back to my original numbers from July 20th, I've lost 25 pounds. It's a good start. Hopefully by Monday I'll be able to leave the house again and be back on track. By the way, what the heck happened to Thursday???

Lap Band Surgery

Tomorrow I am having Lap Band surgery. Most people wouldn't want to talk about this but I think it's something that should be discussed. So I've decided to use this as my soap box to stand on. I'm going to try and keep up with this page as often as possible and let you know how my daily path is going with this. Please ask question or leave me messages!! I can use all the feedback that I can get. I have known a few people who have had weight loss surgery. 2 did not do well on it 3 have kept their weight off for 2-8 years so far. I know that it is a tool to use and only a tool. It is not the answer to a miracle of dropping weight and looking great and being healthy. I am going to work hard, exercise and think about myself for a change. My decision to do this is based only on health reasons. By losing weight, I will be able to abolish my diabetes, gain control over my genetic cholesterol numbers, and  be able to eventually take a lot less medications then I am currently on.
I'm not going to put my actual weight on here because... well.... I'm a chick and I don't have to damn it! And it's my blog and I get to make the rules right? Right! But what I will do is put my weight loss on here. It actually started on July 20th, 2012. The doctor started me on a 10 day liquid diet before surgery and then the surgery date was changed. So, since July 20th, I have lost 19 pounds. Not a bad start at all considering all I did was change my diet. And I didn't really stick to the diet the whole time. My main food was yogurt. Yogurt, Yogurt, Yogurt!!! The sound of that word is disgusting really. Yo-Gurt! I actually like yogurt but, not all the time! I did discover Greek Yogurt. Oh what a difference that is. When you are on a diet, it actually tastes like cheese cake. Oikos brand strawberry, cherry and peach in particular. But, when you are buying the small packages, they are about $1.25 each so I bought a large one, 32 oz. plain . No fruit on the big ones yet and to me, it tasted like crap. Very sour and just not right. I added about 2 teaspoons of granulated zero calorie sweetener and a can of mandarin oranges and then blended them with a mixer until the oranges were in tiny, tiny pieces. Then it tasted fine. I also ate bing cherries since they are in season and one of my favorite fruits. Low Cal jell-o has become one of my new friends. I had no clue it was basically the same as regular. Now the next 6 weeks I will be eating anything that can fit through a straw which is approximately the radius of the band. Well that sounds like lots of fun! NOT!!!! But, it will ensure that my stomach will stay the size of an egg. Yes, the size of a chicken egg. I will also be drinking protein shakes like my boyfriend does so that I get enough protein in my diet and taking a multi-vitamin for the rest of my life. If I had gastric bypass surgery, I would be taking a multitude of vitamins so that is a plus that it's just 1 pill and at Costo I got a bottle of 500 for about $10.00 so you can't beat that.
I do want to add here that I was going to have the gastric bypass surgery 2 years ago and I had to back out just days before surgery. I had been on a 5 year waiting list for it because at the time, my insurance company only worked with a few places in Missouri. I had to travel over 100 miles to Columbia, Mo several times to see the Dr there and to go to classes etc. During that time, no one mentioned that I would not be able to take pain meds such as percocet or vicodin ever again after surgery until about 3 days before surgery. I had recently had a total knee replacement and was still in severe pain. There was no way I could go without the pain meds so I had to let the surgery go. I was crushed to say the least. After waiting 5 years and also doing the research and waiting for my insurance to approve me (another 2 years) oh what a waste of time! So that was August 2010. Earlier this year, I found out that I was told a lie. After weight loss surgery, you CAN take pain meds. After the initial being thoroughly pissed offness wore off, I talked to my Dr and she got me right back on track with a new surgeon. The Institute for Advanced Bariatric Surgery was happy to have me as a patient. After going to their very informative seminar and then spending about an hour with the surgeon, he told me I was a very good candidate for the lap band which is much less evasive of a surgery. Their office took care of the insurance approval for me and then I had to meet up with a therapist for 1 session, a dietitian for a half hour and had a stress test to check on my heart. That's it, all clear for surgery. Less then 12 hours from now it will be done.

Masacre in the livingroom

2 days ago I walked into the livingroom and found a masacre in the fishtank. My turtle (Spike Lee) had murdered one of my fantail fish. Took her head off and left pieces of her all over the tank! I don't know what had gotten into him. Did she give him a dirty look? Were they fighting over tank space? I have no idea. I grounded Spike for the day, cleaned out the murder scene and bought him a dozen more large minnows to keep his tummy full. When I repremanded him, I explained very carefully that we do not eat our friends even when we are upset with them or if we are hungry. And I also told him that if I catch him doing this to another one of our pets, he will have to move out to the pond at the farm. He agreed and Rick was a witness.
3 minnows met their maker that day. They also met Spike's tummy. So Spike was a happy, fat, alligator snapping turtle. He was taken out of the tank as usual around 11pm and put in his turtle house to spend the night with Scratchy (a female box turtle) who he has been living with for 6 years. When Rick got up this morning, Spike was standing on top of Scratchy and trying to escape the house to run a muck. So, Rick quickly relieved Scratchy of her room mate and put Spike in the fishtank where he proceeded to eat a few more minnows today.
And then later in the afternoon....it happened. I actually witnessed an atempted murder! Spike snuck up behind another fantail goldfish and snapped onto her tail. He shook her from side to side violently! I screamed at him to let go but, he didn't listen to me at all. The other fishes in the tank cried out "Stop Spike! Let Go!!!" But he didn't care. He bit higher until he touched her butt. By then I was able to rip his jaws away from her and pull him out of the water. That poor little fish was devostated! She couldn't even swim straight for about an hour and she may need therapy.

I decided to stick to my guns. Spike will be going to the pond in the morning. I hate to do it really. I've had him since he was the size of a quarter and he just turned 7 years old. He's never gone beyond the back yard but, he can't be trrusted anymore and it's possible that he could bite someone now. He's a big boy, about 6 pounds. I can do no more. =:o(

Not Every Woman Is Meant to Be a Mother

This may be a touchy subject but I think it's something that needs to be said. Some women are not meant to be Mothers. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I'm simply saying that it is a choice that we are given and one that cannot be taken lightly at all. Being a Mom is something that you will be for the rest of your life. A child is not an animal that you are going to get bored with and then send off to the pound or put on Craig's List. And don't expect to just drop that kid off with your parents when ever you feel like it to go off for a weekend or 16 years either. That's just not how God meant for you to take care of this little miracle.
I do want to commend those women who chose not to have children. Those wonderful women who realized that raising a family does not make them a whole woman just like marrying a man does not make you a better woman. BRAVO!!!!
It does scare me more then a bit to hear a woman say she wants to wait until she is in her late 30's or 40's to have her first baby. This is not healthy for her or the baby and my goodness, they just have no clue how much energy it takes to raise a child. There is a reason why our bodies are ripe in our 20's so that we can run after those kids instead of putting a leash on them or forcing them to be babyset by a TV all day and have their sponge like brains turn to mush.
Am I a good Mom? Was I a good Mom when my kids were little? Well, I know I made some mistakes, probably a lot of them but, I learned and I also learned from other parents. I also had to work but, I made time for my kids and I was there for them. I will admit my biggest mistake was in choosing their Fathers. And I have appologized profusly for that. I will also admit that I did one thing very right, Love. I freely give my children my love and support.
As an adopted child, I have always wondered who my parents are. I have very little to go on and I'm not going to use this forum to elaberate on that subject but I will say that I respect my Birth Mom for bing able to let go. I know it was not her decision but, she was able to let go and I can respect her for that. I could not let go. I will also add if she is looking for me, I've been looking for her since 1984.
I could have been put in the same position as my Birth Mom. I was very young when I was pregnant with Geoff. My reason for keeping my son was at the time based partly in the fact that I could not put a child up for adoption after being an adopted child. Maybe that was not a great idea, but, Geoff was the 1st of my greatest creations and I never for a second regreted having him or being his Mom even at 17.
Getting back to subject. I'll give you a great example, the woman who adopted me. She should never have been a Mother. Red Flag #1 She adopted my Brother & I because she didn't want to be bothered with pregnancies. I personally enjoyed my pregnancies, everyone of them including my 2 miscarriages. The joy of knowing you have a miracle growing inside of you is like no other.  Red Flag #2 She physically abused us on a daily basis. This made me do exact opposite with my kids.I smothered them with love instead of hate.  Red Flag #3 She had me working by the time I was about 5 years old. I started out with modeling in 71 and then singing in 72. I kept modeling until I was about 5 months pregnant with Geoff. The deal was if I was living under her roof, I had to be making money. She did not do this to my Brother though. And no, I did not see much of that money until I was about 14 years old and working full time jobs. Of course I did not do this to my kids. Amy did try out for 1 modeling agency on her own accord and I supported her through the auditions. I'd love to see my Grand Daughter get into modeling now because I know she is an "It Girl" not because I'm her Grandma but, because I happen to have a good eye. And if you are going to be a female model, you have to start early. Boy, I'm getting off subject again.
It's 1am. I'll finish this later, please feel free to make comments. Good Night.

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I was born with a quadruple dose of sarcasm. Now when you are given a gift such as this, it cannot be changed unless of course a frontal labotome is preformed at a very young age and my parents decided to just lock me out of the house instead of paying for that surgical procediure. Once I was locked out, I was able to roam freely amongst like minded people who only encouraged me and  made my sarcasm disabilty blossom as I became a woman. Those people were called "Bikers & Musicians" and sometimes there are seen out in public during the day. You may recognize them as long haired leather trodden tattooed people usually with a cigarette in one hand and a guitar or parts of a Harley in the other. These were my people when I was young and when I see any now I am still drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Especially the musicans. I'd say most of my friends are still musicians even though they may be hiding it a tad bit with a day job to support a family and grandkids these days. And do I miss it? Being on stage? Oh yes I do. When I go watch my old friends preform I tend to pout a little at first want to be up there and take the singer's mic away. And God Forbid if a woman is singing that night because she will get the worst review out of me whether she was decent or couldn't carry a note at all. Jealousy is not pretty. I hate that my voice is messed up because of a hernia on my diaphragm but... I have a new Dr saying that he can fix it and I just might let him if he can do it when he takes out my gallbladder. I want a two  for one surgery this go round considering I will be having three surgeries in the next couple of months and I'm not looking forward to any of them. So...I might make it back on stage one day soon. BEWARE!!

Back to the sarcasm, where was I going with that any ways? Hmmmm. I use it as a tool to lighten up moods and to make people laugh. I can't help it if bizarre things pop into my head can I? They must be released immediately or it just becomes such a mess in there & I am not ready to clean that crap up! Oh here we go for another trip... Bikers are very accepting people. They took me for who I am and never tried to change me. They laugh at my jokes and tell me which ones are in bad taste. And boy do they have to taste bad to be spit out by those guys! I appreciate the honesty. Never did I get that from home when I was young, just a bunch of yelling or being used as a punching bag. So you can imagine I was there as little as possible.
I've sang with some amazing musicains over the years. Some were famous and others should have been but wanted to keep it small for whatever reason. I'm not going to drop names because I'm barefoot and some are really big and it would hurt! Let's just say I have been blessed to have come across the stage lights with some amazing people.
Crap, now I've lost my train of thought and it's 5:30 am. Blah! I need some sleep before I go off my rails on a crazy train! Oh Ozzy! SHARON!!!!

The year of the Dragon, Tick or Misquito?

Rolling down the driveway at the farm has been a new adventure this past week or so. The grass & weeds are about 2 feet tall and although it is only May 9th, we didn't have a winter and everything seems so confused out here in the country. Usually when the grass is this high, when you drive through it or walk in it, grass hoppers will jump out all over the place. Well not this year so far, I haven't seen a single grass hopper at all. What we are over run with is mosquitoes and they aren't the little ones by any means, these are the big boys, about the size of your palm! Driving between the driveway the mosquitoes suddenly come alive and fly up out of the grass and attack the car trying to get in at any cost. Quick, roll up the windows! Dang, too late, 5 have snuck in here already. And then there are the ticks. The tiny little blood suckers that latch on to your body and don't let go even if you have pulled their body off and the head remains. YUCK!!! Personally, I had never found a tick on myself in my life until this past month that I can recall and I have spent an awful lot of time in the woods being a bunny as you can imagine. My Father's family all had farms and my Brother and I were put to work on them when we were children. And as I got older I pretty much only felt truly at home when I was in the woods or off the beaten path in places like the Black Hills of South Dakota or Devils Tower, Wyoming. Never got 1 tick. Maybe I was just lucky or maybe the ticks respected me for who I was. Well not this year. I've taken off an average of 3-5 a day and I'm getting a little perturbed at the things. Now I'm even taking them off the horses. Lovely, a new job for me, "family tick remover". Now that will look just grand on a resume'.  One good thing I can say for mosquitoes, they don't stay on you like a tick does. Bring on the chiggers!

Time Warp

Time... it can do very odd things. For example when you are waiting for something, time can drag on and on. A week can act like a month or even a few moments can seem like an eternity. But then again when you look back through the years, a decade or more can seem like yesterday as you age. So how does this work you may ask. Well the mind does work in mysterious ways. It keeps our secrets and holds them hostage for us until we need them back or until it wants to let them go. By doing that, the memory feels like it is fresh because it hasn't been brought up to the surface in so long. Another good example of a time warp or stretch is when we are in pain or in an emergency situation. The time expands in our mind so that it can recall everything that happened in detail. Even if it's something that we would like to forget, it is going to be recorded somewhere in our brain or shall I say hard drive to be pulled back up at a later date not necessarily when we want it to but, when it is time to.
Being  a person who has brain tumors and has had a fairly major head injury several years ago, the wiring in my brain is all jacked up when it comes to memory. Whole years are missing and most of it is truly a blur. Sometimes people will come up to me and tell me stories of my past that I don't remember but what's really bad is that I don't have a clue who they are at all either. Luckily I do have little glimpses, bits and pieces that come through. Usually they are things that were traumatic to me a my brain was good enough to keep hold of it tightly. On rare occasions a mundane memory will come through. Maybe something like swinging on my Grandma's porch with my cousin or picking wild flowers in a meadow. Nothing special really to anyone else but it is to me since it's so rare. Now when it comes to pain, child birth is the absolute worst. Of course that is the natural way with no drugs and no c-section. And most Moms will tell you that the pain will fade away quickly as soon as you see that cute little baby's face. In some cases that is true. Like if you had less then 3 hours of labor and delivery. By the way, if you did have 3 hours or less, please don't tell me or I will most likely hurt you.
Time.... Can we ever truly have too much time on our hands? Why is there never enough time in a day? When time slips away, where does it go? And when time is wasted does it just fall onto the ground and seep into the dirt? If time is on Mick Jagger's side, can he share it with others? So many questions, so little time. It's 3:30am, time is up! Wait a second... if time is up, doesn't it also come down? Oh no!!!

Bunnies Do Scream

Edvard Munch's painting of "The Scream" sold at Sotheby's today for a record of $119,922,500.00 Personally, I do like the scream but, I really like "Bunnies Do Scream" better because it shows more emotions as far as I am concerned. Art is art. It says something different to everyone. And when art speaks deeply to us, we must have it. But for that much money? Now that is freaking insane! What would I have done with $120 million? Well lets see, after paying off my bills and my kid's bills and buying said children homes so they don't move in with me...I think Rick & I would take a luxury cruise to Italy where we go to Tuscany an buy the most beautiful Villa that was ever built right next to George Clooney's property. And in the livingroom, will be a copy of  "Bunnies do Scream." That's a good start.

Kimmy

Yesterday, April 28th 2012, we laid to rest a close friend of mine who also happened to be my Brother Steve Gerling's Girlfriend off and on for over 20 years. Kimberly Ann Davis Crosby, was a Mother of 3  fine young men Corey, Joey and Mathew McCormick and Step Mom to my Niece Kaity Gerling. She was also the Grandma of two lovely little ones Austin & Madelyn. Kim was the Daughter of Rita & Tom Rayburn and the Sister of Nick Roberson. Kim was much more then a  Girlfriend, Mom, Daughter, Grandma and Friend. Kim was a wonderful, sweet and caring woman. She was as honest as the day is long, always had a hand ready to help a friend or a stranger, a dry shoulder waiting for anyone to cry on and an open ear and mind to listen. These are qualities that seem to be rare these days and when we can find them all in one person, it needs to be commended. In my short time on this earth, I have learned that we have been put here to love each other and to learn from each other. To be teachers and students at the same time is a balancing act. And I believe that when we have completed the tasks that God has set upon us, he gives us the gift of taking us home. It's not our choice when that might be and rarely do we even get a glimpse of the time period. But when it is time, God's time, we get to go home. Kim was lucky enough to see it coming just a bit. And now she can watch over and guide her loved ones and be there to welcome them home, in God's time. I want to thank you Kim for being my friend and for sharing your love with me and my family.
In memory and celebration of Kim's life, we gathered together to share our thoughts of you. The good times are what we are going to remember. You will live on through all of us in our hearts every time we think of you. And you also live on through your children and grandchildren who will carry on through the generations. Your kindness and virtues will be carried on.

Cruel Shoes

Women's shoes go through phases through the years. Sometimes it's minimal and sometimes it's quite dramatic. I am a shoe enthusiast. Once upon a time, shoes seemed to consume my world. Sixty to Eighty hours a week was spent selling these products for almost a decade. And I worked and managed some lovely stores and wonderful people. My leathered and feathered friends all had names and numbers that were quickly memorized. Knowing what was in stock, where it was in my inventory and what sizes were left was a gift and helped my sales. It also didn't hurt to wear low cut blouses when men shopped on the weekends for their expensive Rockports. I seem to be getting a bit off track here, sorry my mind tends to wander. Could be because I haven't slept and I'm hungry. GO MAKE PANCAKES!!

Okay, that's better. Now where was I? Oh yes, shoes going through phases. When I stopped peddling my pretty little foot friends, it seemed that they all changed. They just got down right ugly. It may be only because I wasn't in the business anymore but, I seriously couldn't find a decent pair for about 5 years to buy. Finally I gave in and went only for comfort. I didn't care at that point what adorned my feet. Only that they didn't get sore from walking too much or chasing after the kids. And finally the phase ended, they did get pretty again. Yeah, shoes are back on the shopping list! Purples, pinks, blacks and reds. All the shades and hues that dance in my head. I am a shoe hoarder I must admit. Some of them are close to 30 years old and show there wear and tear. Others are still in the boxes and kept for special occasions that have yet to happen. They will happen though because I buy my shoes with psychic intuition like most women. I must tell you that when I was making really good money I did spend quite a bit on them although 90% of the time, I had a discount or got them on sale and I still do it that way. The most I ever paid (and I remember it oh so well) was $750.00 for a pair of Italian suede boots. They were so pretty. Royal purple with cut out stars in different colors. I think I only wore them on stage. Somehow they disappeared one night long ago and I still miss them. I know they didn't run away into the night by themselves only because they truly loved me. Maybe, just maybe, one day they will come back to my closet where they know they belong.
So here it is 2012 and the styles have changed dramatically again last year. Some of them are cute and a lot of them are very creative. I must admit that there are big changes because the business is opening up to more designers and that it a positive thing. It's obvious that women are now designing what they wear much more then they used to. Well, women and gay men. But in a day and age where I am no longer the tallest woman in the crowd, I can't help but to wonder why the high heels are going so dang high. I mean seriously, do we need to put a platform on stilettos? Maybe once in a while but not mainstream! And some of these other new shoes I truly don't know how to describe except to use Steve Martin's old comedy routine and book title "Cruel Shoes". They are just absolutely nuts! I don't know how anyone could walk on them. If I was still a runway model, I would refuse and go barefoot because you would be risking breaking an ankle or more by taking a few steps in the damned things. They have to be created by men who hate women. men who can't stand their Mothers. Men in prison. Men who have dreams about hurting women with "cruel shoes"!!!



A Little Wind Up My Skirt

Why is it that I tend to wear skirts or dresses on the windiest days? Am I trying to get attention from men? No. Do I like the cool breeze? Maybe. Or am I an exhibitionist? Oh who knows? I'm not even sure if I spelled that correctly.
When I lived in Wyoming they called these type of winds "Montana Winds". The reason they get to Wyoming is because of the lack of trees in the North Eastern parts. Of course it's nothing close to the winds that go through the mountains in Colorado like my friends April & Tazz experience all too often. If I wore a skirt during those wind storms, I wouldn't be able to see where I was going because it would be wrapped around my head! Honestly I don't know how they do it :o/
Missouri weather is so finicky. Yesterday it was a beautiful 80 degrees and I had things to do from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep so I couldn't really enjoy it. They day before, it was 90 and I was at the farm planting my sunflower seeds while the sun was beating down on me. After conveniently getting tangled up in some barbwire that was hidden in the grass, I gave up the seeding and played with the wildlife for a bit. Today, part of the metro area is under a tornado watch and it's only 62 degrees. Tomorrow it will probably snow. And people wonder why I prefer to live out west. Well the reason is that it is a bit more predictable there. When it is cold, it stays cold. And when it's hot, it stays hot. Simple as that. But truly the main reason is that I love the wide open spaces out there. Where men are men and sheep are scared. No, it really isn't that bad. The population is more then you might think. There is only 1 town in Wyoming that has a population of one. I do miss the wild horses and Buffalo so much though. And the mountains call my name often. You really have to go there and stay awhile to understand. And until the kids are in college, I'll happily stay in Missouri with Rick and play Farmer's Wife with him as often as I can.

A little peek into the Life of an insomniac

Being an insomniac is something that I have been labeled with since 1978. A bit odd at the age of 12 for it to start but, not totally unheard of. It has effected my life in many ways but, mostly it has effected my relationships. At first they say it's fine not a problem. After a year or so, it drives them nuts. For example, it's almost 3am right now. I'm not a bit tired yet. Rick has been in bed for 5 hours already just a snoring away in there. He'll get his 8 hours in and I'll get somewhere between 4-6 usually. And when I do get up, he will be bouncing off the walls after a pot of coffee (I rarely do caffeine anymore) and just finishing up his workout. I personally don't even want to hear a whisper when I first wake up let alone someone who is acting like they are on crack for Christ's sake!
I actually like being up all night by myself most of the time. It's nice and peaceful. I can get my work done, nobody interrupts me, the phone doesn't ring, I don't have to wait to take a shower or use the bathroom. Almost everything that I have ever written has been done in the solitude of my insomnia. My creativity seems to pop out when the silence envelopes my home. And so I now begin another blog. It's been quite a long while since I've had one online. Most of the time I'm at the farm when I've been writing. Unfortunately, I don't have Internet service there. So let's see how this goes. Give me a subject and I'll write about it. If you don't, I'll just ramble on most likely.
So this is the pond at our farm where I do a bit of thinking, play with the frogs, turtles and hawks. It's such a beautiful spot and Rick and his farm is definitely the reason I am still here in Missouri and not back out west yet again.... At least not until the kids are grown up. Maybe then I can talk him into it.
So, back to the lack of sleep. Why am I this way??? Well that is a good question. Is it because I didn't like day jobs and normal people? No, I did the 9 to 5 routine off and on and I was a good "Team Player" when I needed to be. It just seems that about 4 days a week I would be up until at least 3 or 4am and then I'd be dragging at work the next day. Everyone would tell me to just drink coffee ~ the drink of the God's they said. Nay! Just another addiction to me. Here I am 46 years old and have never so much as let that stuff touch my lips in my life. Although I have been known to drink a crappy gas station cappuccino on occasion, I don't count that as regular coffee and I can't stand Starbucks. I will never pay $5 for watered down beans. It just doesn't appeal to me at all.
It's 4am now and I'm a bit sleepy. Rick has an appointment at 10:15 in Independence so I suppose I should try and get some dreams in between now and then.